HOLY SHIT! I'm sorry about my general lack of input lately. Aside from dealing with sickeningly stupid Halo 3 FanBros, my interaction with the gaming world in general has been limited to the following:

[ 1 ] = One
Playing Street Fighter III - Third Strike (with people who are either way too good or try to block Stun-Gun Headbutt).

[ 2 ] = Two
Playing Portal on the Orange Box (which is the sickest thing on two wheels).

[ 3 ] = Three
Watching my roommate play unhealthy amounts of Disgaea 2 (to help me get to sleep).

[ 4 ] = Four
Crying blood as I play shitty Guilty Gear - Accent Core (which is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to me).

So, in all, I apologize. BAD's been threatening to make me play Street Fighter Alpha Anthology with him if I don't get off my ass, and I'm just not ready for that kind of pain.

I remember seeing trailers for Devil May Cry 3 and being absolutely floored. Mid-air combos? Awesome battle music, with lyrics? Gigantic mobile bosses who can pound you to paste in seconds flat? For a masochistic gamer like myself, a game has to make me cry blood (see previous notes on shitty Accent Core) for it to be worthy of my time. Ninja Gaiden - Black took a fair amount of my life for about three months, until I pussed out and gave up on beating Master Ninja Mode. Yeah, I know. But I couldn't even get to the first fucking SAVE POINT, for godsakes. And only three Tecmo game testers could even beat it. I'm not Japanese, so I don't have that kind of stamina.

Oh yeah, DMC3. Durr!

So's I played it. A lot. A ton, even. And it's just so difficult to fault this game on any given aspect. I had to play it, re-play it, play it upside down, and then play checkers with it before I could find any massive faults. They are as follows:

[ 1 ] = One
Devil May Cry 3 is horrible at checkers.

[ End ] = Conclusion
That's it! This game rocks! Everything is so cool, even that stupid cutscene where Dante's office falls to bits! Oh, sorry mate! Spoiler-free and all that. Tell ya what; if you haven't played the game yet, don't read that sentence. Cool.

The weapon design is great; expanding on the fist game's idea of having a handicap weapon, a main weapon, and a weapon you'll use like, once (if you suck). I played damn near the entrie game using the Inferno Gauntlets (just because I'm a fucking badass). And that's what the series has always been really good at! Freedom to choose your combat style! Not only do you have the ability to choose between 5 melee weapons (carrying two at a time), but you can also choose between 6 different styles of combat! SIX, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! The Swordmaster style gives you a ton of damaging special moves for your melee weapons, ranging from the ability to do air combos with swords, to doing an honest-to-god Shin Shoryuken! Well, the game calls it, "Real Impact" but Jesus, we all know what one looks like. The Gunslinger style makes for impressive-looking juggle setups, and some damage-dishing specials from the Rocket Launcher and the Artemis. The Trickster style turns you into an acrobat of sorts, dashing here and there and wall-running and just being a general douchebag. The Royal Guard style is really catered toward those Third Strike players who can Parry Hoyokusens without batting an eyelash; you become a monster, parrying and guarding attacks until you build a super meter, then unleash an attack that rips any enemy - including bosses - to shreds. My favorite style, far and away, is the Doppelganger style. You get a silhouette that copies your every move, thus doubling any melee damage you do. But, that's definitely not the only cool aspect of it, or else I wouldn't be using hack-writer methods of building anticipation for it. With this style, Devil May Cry 3 becomes a two-player game! If a second controller is plugged in, two Dantes can be ripping it up onscreen at once! Not ONLY that, but the original Dante can switch weapons, leaving your opponent facing two different dudes with two different weapons! HOLY SHIT! ... Oh, and there's a Quick-something style that does something, too, but I should have talked about that before talking about Doppleganger. Guess you'll have to play and find out what it does on your own (sorry).

Between Melee and ranged, you can make quick work of your opponents. Will they stand there and take it? Well, usually, yeah. They'll of course try to hit you, but roll and dodge, and you'll be fine. Usually. This holds mainly true, until you get to the bosses. This quickly becomes one of the most trying tests of patience you could ever attempt. See, every boss just follows some kind of pattern that usually becomes more bastardly and difficult to avoid (not to mention hard-hitting as hell) until the lifebar drains. Watch for the animation, react accordingly. In most action games, this becomes a rather trite and boring practice, as you have just a few options at your disposal. The beautiful thing about DMC3 is that you have so many different methods of attack, defense, and evasion that you have an almost endless list of options when encountering a boss. Go for the safe method, or look like a total badass? The pinnacle of this was a YouTube video I saw not too long ago in which the player is fighting Beowulf on Dante Must Die difficulty (meaning if he gets hit, it'll shatter his lifebar into many unrecognizable pieces). The "safe" way of fighting Beowulf is to attack with guns from a distance until he starts his up-close attack patterns. Build up some Devil Trigger, then wail away on his ass. THIS guy played it ballsy. Up close the whole time, and he PARRIED every single move Beowulf did. Built up super, released, rinsed and repeated. Didn't take more than two minutes to kill this guy, when I remembered struggling for closer to 6 or 7. It's a beautiful thing, really, just what kind of skill you can apply to this game to make it more enjoyable and cooler for other people to watch.

One thing that really did piss me off, and royally, was the re-designing of Dante. Since he is but a younger lad, he's a smidgeon cockier, brazen, and hot-tempered. However, his lines are delivered with all the menace of Dave Coulier threatening you with a wet noodle. He's so goddamned hard to take seriously that half to time you root for Virgil to slice his shit open so you can play as him instead. Examples of this, you ask?

[ Dialogue ] = Devil May Cry
[ Boss ] = Magma Spider
"What a puny morsel!"

[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"What a big surprise... I hope you've got something under that hard shell of yours."

[ Dialogue ] = Devil May Cry 3
[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"Damn it, you guys totally wrecked my shop, and I haven't even named it yet! You're gonna pay for that..."

[ Event ] = Action
Flips coat around like a pair of nunchaku, putting arms in sleeves and deftly catching sword, then sneezing...

[ Event ] = Action
Offscreen rumbling as the rest of his building collapses...

[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"I hope you all have enough to cover all this!!!"

[ Dialogue ] = Devil May Cry
[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"Flock off, featherface, or you can stick around and find out the hard way!"

[ Dialogue ] = Devil May Cry 3
[ Event ] = Action
Dante, while riding a missle like a surfboard...

[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"WHOOOOOOOOOhoihohohHAHAHAHAWHOOOAAAHAHAHAWOOOAHAWOWAOWAOWOHOWO - YEAH!
WHOOOO!"

[ Dialogue ] = Devil May Cry
[ Event ] = Action
Dante, aiming pistols with a goddamned sword through his chest while a fucking MOTORCYCLE is being thrown at him...

[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"Swords? Hah! Time to go to work, boys."

[ Dialogue ] = Devil May Cry 3
[ Event ] = Action
Dante driving up the side of a tower on a motorcycle shortly before using it like a pair of nunchaku...

[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"WWHOOOOAHAHAHAHWHOOOOWHAHAHAHWHOWOHOHWOHAWOHO - YEAH! WHOOOO!11!!!"

[ Dialogue ] = Devil May Cry
[ Event ] = Action
Dante, talking to the hotness that is Trish...

[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"Devils never Cry." All smooth and shit.

[ Dialogue ] = Devil May Cry 3
[ Event ] = Action
Dante, riding an enemy like a skateboard...

[ Our Demon Slayer Hero ] = Dante
"WHHOOOOOOAHAOHAOHAOHAHAHAHOAHAOHAOHAOHAOHAOHAOHAOHAHHHHOAOAOAHAHAH - YEAH!
WHOOOOOO!"

And what the fuck is with that coat? If his nipples are cold, he should just go put on a shirt.

Ya know, I could forgive this sort of buggery if the game took place, during, say.... the mid 80's or early 90's. The way he's acting reminds me of Chester Cheetah (with all the surfing and skateboarding going on). If the powerups were bags of Cheetos (one of BAD's favorite snacks), I would probably have to call shenannigans on that shit. But, alas, there really isn't much of a good explanation for his untoward behavior. On the plus side, at least he's not acting like some emo fuckass (like he was in DMC2). Seriously. Banish my memories and have them stricken from the face of existence, should they arise again. And damn you for having me evoke them.

In all, this game is a very enjoyable experience, if a bit difficult later in the game. I would even go so far as to say this game is...

Rad.